Ask Rika: “My husband has lost the joy of life since he left. How can I make him happy?” | is reading

Tanya's question: How can I make my husband happy again after he leaves the hospital?

Tania's husband (54 years old) has not been himself since his discharge from the hospital.

“My husband (57) was divorced two years ago. I love him, but his enthusiasm for life has completely disappeared. He never wants to go anywhere, he always stays home. He usually spends his days in the guest room playing with his model trains.

“I still work part-time, so I still get out. How can I bring it back to life?”

Rekha Bonnet's answer: “Your husband is grieving, give him time.”

“You often see separation as causing a form of deep sadness,” Rika Bonet answers. “Especially among the men of this generation. Their identity lies more in their role in the public sphere. This is more divided among women: women gain greater identity from their role as a wife or mother.

“This story is about loss of identity. You no longer matter, you no longer belong. Maybe Tanya's husband escapes into something that gives him comfort, and I don't think that's a bad thing, because you can also escape into other things.”

“You also see this in children: when there are some tensions or difficulties at home, the children will often run away to play. The trains will also bring a sense of mystery to Tanya's husband. Building such a train also gives him a sense of competence.

“Respect his speed.”

“Separation always affects a family or a couple. Tanya doesn’t say anything about it, but there is often a big financial setback. She no longer recognizes her husband, and wants him back to how he was.”

“What you often see in this grieving process is that people want to resolve the suffering of others. So it is very difficult to see the suffering of someone close to us.”

However, Rika doesn't think it's a good idea for Tanya to insist on taking him out of their house. “That won't help. Respect his time and his speed, because that also gives him a feeling that he's appreciated.”

“The same is true of death. People often point out that others always want to solve problems, rather than just listen or be there.

What should Tanya's husband do?

Maybe Tanya's husband could take on a role as a volunteer and build a new identity? “It's entirely possible. But don't expect it too quickly, and don't fill it up either.”

“You see this with the pension too. People search for meaning and wonder what they are going to do with all this time. Then they panic and do anything and everything, and discover that this is not their thing. This often involves accepting that this is the time to say goodbye. It takes time Just.”

“When that time is up, a new space will be created, and in that moment you will see what works for you and what is still possible.”