“I am ashamed because now I mainly see his shortcomings”

It used to be no problem that Juna’s husband (53) is 23 years older than her, but now there are huge differences between them. “Your husband doesn’t age overnight, it’s gradual.”

“The stages of our lives couldn’t be further apart right now. Jack retired years ago, and I’ve been building my own business. He’s a grandfather, and I’m happy when our schoolchildren come out again after the weekend so I can get some rest. Physically, My husband has become rickety and stiff. He no longer has a figure trained, he is quite the size. When Jack’s brother suddenly died of a heart attack six years ago, I was terrified. Our children were still relatively young, and this was not the time to really miss their father. That’s the big flaw To marry a much older man. He would probably die sooner. He now has a new joint and a new heart valve. Where our age difference never got in the way, it’s now painfully clear that he’s reached the last stretch of his life and I’m still in the middle of it.

He is a special man

“Holy shit,” I used to say when I saw older men with a much younger woman. I thought of finding a partner the same age as you. When I met Jack for a birthday, we immediately had a very deep conversation. I could see he was older than me, but I didn’t appreciate him at that age. He thought I looked more mature than the thirty years I was at the time, so he was shocked when I told him. “He could have been your father,” my friends said when I came with my 53-year-old boyfriend. Jack was divorced, and his son and daughter lived with him on weekends. I didn’t find this a problem at all. Jack is a special man and I was sure I wanted to be with him. My mom always said she didn’t care who I came home to as long as I was happy. When it turned out the guy was over 23, she had to swallow. She didn’t say anything about it, but sometimes she wondered if it was still working. She replied in a slightly disappointed tone, “Oh.”

Second stop for him

When we were together for two years, I wanted to be a mother. We talked about it very well. “I could be in a wheelchair tomorrow,” said Jack. I myself ignored all possible objections, in fact put my head in the sand for it. I said to a friend, “I don’t care how it turned out, it’s all worth it to me.” Soon after each other, we had our two sons: Bass and Gilly. It was good that Jack had a good job that allowed me to make time for motherhood. Once Jack got home he still had enough energy to play with the kids and cook me a delicious meal when it suited me.

Humor helps a lot

I couldn’t tell that Jack was an older man. Except when he talked about his younger years, the big differences stood out: the time he lived as a squatter in The Hague, hitchhiking on holiday and driving a car without a driver’s licence. When I think about the beginning of our relationship, his age actually had more advantages. Where I’ve seen friends around me fight with their partners or fight openly with each other about things that are too childish for words, Jack was always very accommodating. He no longer has to prove himself; Not for me, nor for the outside world. He had tried everything before, thus he was able to set the record straight and oversee things from a calm perspective. It helped me too, because the outside world is always ready to judge. When Jack tells a man his wife is twenty years younger than him, she gives him a thumbs up. When I say I have a man 20 years older, people look surprised. Isn’t that strange? I often joke afterwards: “He’s so rich!” Humor helps a lot. When we go out with our kids and grandson, I don’t even see the appearance on the street anymore.

Suddenly he got old

Everything changed during the corona time. Jack has severe asthma, so suddenly the whole family is quarantined at home and no one sees us anymore. Fear also hit: What if Jack gets infected with Corona? Fortunately, this fear is a thing of the past, but the difference between us has become evident since that time. Every summer we went camping, hiking and biking. Now it is clear that he gets tired faster and is afraid of camping and lack of rest. Well, we always do, I guess. Your husband doesn’t age overnight, it just happens gradually. I regularly say: “Jack, keep fit.” At work I am working on a project targeting the elderly over the age of seventies. Oh yeah, these are Jack’s peers, I suddenly realized. Or when others hear that my husband has retired. “So, early retirement?” they ask. Jack has Grandpa’s Day once a week. I was also asked if I wanted to babysit in the morning. I love our grandson, but I don’t want Grandma’s Day. I am happy if I have a home without children and can schedule a free morning. These are completely different stages of life in one family.

Afraid of falling back

Luckily, what we still share is that we still get to be on the dance floor now and then. Sometimes I shy away from seeing his imperfections that come with his age, I feel his love for me is unconditional. He is behind me and next to me. You won’t hear him say “it won’t work” now that I’m starting my own company. He helps and supports me. Friends around me lead a more relaxed life. Every night on the couch with their guy, that’s it. Jack and I go to the cafe together, to the sauna, we play a game. This is what I want to pass on to our children: the ability to be yourself, to feel free, to relate to each other: this is what love is all about. Its rapidly approaching end worries me, and I am also afraid of its possible deterioration. No one knows how much time will be given to us together in this way.